WHEN YOUR LIFE SEEMS TO BE FALLING APART BUT IT IS ACTUALLY JUST A PART OF A BIGGER PLAN…
Posted On July 12, 2018
So, as you already know from my ‘about’ page, Im on a journey that is taking me to Spain on a one way ticket. A journey that started from when I came home in myself in February this year. But looking back, this journey actually already started in end of April last year, which is a period of time, that I now, looking back, call “the preparations for the journey”. I didn’t know it, at that time though, that what felt like a failure and a big step backwards in my life, actually was something else, something great. But now I know, and you won’t believe how crazy this last year was….
I have counted that since April 23rd 2017 and until today, I have moved fifteen times and had five different addresses. I have lived at friend’s places, in a caravan in a campsite for four months, a caravan that I ended up buying. I have lived in a collective with 12 other people and two cats for four months, I lived there twice after moving into a ladys apartment, that ended up kicking me out after only 17 days, and I had no other place to go to. And I have lived even more places. I went from living in a nice flat, that I owned, for six and a half years, to becoming a nomad.
LETTING GO OF A SAFE BASE
It started with me getting some weird allergies living in my flat, and it was only when I was in the flat that I had the reaktions. One night it got so bad that I had to go to a hotel in the middle of the night. Talking about feeling a bit strange checking into a hotel close to the Copenhagen Red light district at 2 am. The allergy symptoms was like having the flu, headache, sneezing, running nose, symptoms like as of there could be mold in the flat. So I had it checked for mold and other stuff, but nothing was there. What to do? I saw no other option but to sell the flat. I sold it after two days, leaving me with a month to pack my stuff and move out. The strange thing was that even though I, at that time, didnt have a place to live, I was not worried and letting go of the flat was easy. I had all my furniture and almost all of my stuff and clothes packed up in a storage room, so I had only, and a little bit more, of what was nessesary with me.
STUFF, STUFF AND MORE STUFF
At the time, it was anoying not to have all my stuff with me, and that it was not easy reacheble for me when I needed it. But I realised that even though I thought, that I had only what was nessesary with me, I had too much stuff. I realised that my things were giving me some kind of safety, now that I didnt have my own home. I felt that I had to at least have my globus with light in, my buddha figure, my top matress for the bed, my blender and lots of clothes with me, before I could feel comfortable. But each time I had to move, it was a hassle with all the stuff and I felt more tied up and dependent on other people, than I wanted to be. I really dont like to depend on others, because then it feels like they got control of my life, even though they dont really do. But moving so many times, taught me that I have way more stuff than I need. Most of my stuff started to become a burden, rather than doing me good and making me happy. So when I finally got an appartment this March, temporary though, and I could move my stuff from the storage room, I started selling the things I was ready to let go of. Before deciding, I would be looking at the thing and connect with the gut and heart, and it would tell me if it was a thing I should let go off. I realised that all the materialistic stuff has an emotional connection to me somehow. So I was trying not to force my self to let go of things, that I was not ready to let go of, and things that I really like, or things that has a sentimental value to me, I will keep. Also things that I dont want to buy again when I find a new home, like kitchen stuff, towells and other practical stuff, those I will keep and leave at my moms place.
THE SIMPLE LIFE
This journey with moving so many times, has taught me to live and love a more simple life and that having too many things can be a burden, especially if you dont use them and only stock them. I have also realised that I dont need that many things and that everytime I buy a new thing or new clothes, its also a burden to the world and mother nature, because of an overproduction of materialism in the world. I have learned that its my ego that loves shopping and to spend money. I really love to spend money, but I havnt realised yet, why it gives me so much satisfaction, I will have to look more into that, and let you know when I find out about that. So now I practice not to buy new things and clothes and if its something that is usefull and that I really need, I have to buy it second hand or it has to be made in a sustainable way. I want to be more respectful towards the earth and nature and in doing so, I believe the world will be an even better place to live. I find it hard to practice, my no-more-buying-new-stuff decission, and my ego is twisting and trying to make excuses for buying new stuff and just to spend money. A few times I have let the ego control me, but I just keep practicing, and try not to punish myself because of that, even though I have a hard judge inside.
WHAT SOME OF THE DIFFERENT HOUSING THE LAST YEAR HAS TAUGHT ME
If you had ever told me, that one day I would be living four months in a caravan, I would have laughed and said “yearh right”. But I must say, that the caravan life was good, it was actually really good, because it was simple and I felt free. Free because I had little space to live in (little space, less to clean and less space for stuff), it was just me and I was independent of others and living in a campsite, close to nature and away from citylife. I enjoyed it a lot and I met some great and funny people at the campsite.
But living in a caravan when its cold and freezing is not fun. Im grateful for my Grand uncle, that he called and invited me to come and live in the collective he lives in, for a couple of months. At that time it was november and I was sleeping in wollen underwear and with a wollen hat on. Living in a collective where you share almost every thing (except for your clothes and the stuff you keep in your room) is a challenge for a person like me, that also likes my private space. I am a very social person as well, but I realised that I sometimes needed to be alone, rather than hanging out with the nice people in the house, but still I hung out instead of going to my room. I asked myself why, and the answer I got was that it was nice to be around other people, and the ones living in the house were really nice. But something inside me, also wanted them to like me, because I was on their premisses. I was not free to be me, at least that was what I felt. The second round I moved in, I decided that I would not please the others and I would try to be me all the time, even if it meant that there could be a conflict with someone. It was not always easy because pleasing people is an ingrown pattern I have, and even though I have worked with letting it go for many years, it still pops out from time to time. But the second time I live in the collective, I felt more free and light, and I could relax a lot more. It was a fun and I had great time, and I made some friends, but I also realised that living in a collective, is not for me. I need to have my own space in order to feel free, but I also realised that I can also adapt to many place, a home doesnt need to be fixed in one place.
A SUM UP
As you can read, this last year has been a challenging and developing journey for me, especially not always knowing where I will sleep tomorrow or where I am going. In many moments, during that year, I cried a lot of tears and I was afraid that I would be bold from ripping hair out of my head in frustration of my situation. A lot of time I felt very vulnerable because I was dependent on other people and I have realised how much it means to me to be free. Freedom for me is when nobody controls me, physically, mentally and emotionally and when I can do what I want when I want, within the laws course. Now I can laugh about the last year, and I do, and I think that I got a lot stronger and I now know that no matter how way out things are, I wont fall, the universe will catch me somehow. I can also see that this journey was important for me in order to become more free. I thought I was free and had my freedom but I didnt. I realised that I am free when I am independent of others, when I’m not attached to a lot of materialistic stuff. I also learned that I don’t need to live with a lot of people in order to not feel lonely, I am actually not lonely anymore (loneliness is a feeling that had followed me for years) and I love my own company. I am finally a lot more free, or I have been all the time but I just couldn’t feel it, but now I do. This years craziness and bumpy rides was about getting me ready to leave Denmark and to see where life takes me, as a more free spirit than ever, living the simple life.